Wednesday, November 19, 2014


Before Lydie died, I still had not figured out the way I felt about God.  It was nice to think there was a presence up there but I didn’t often pray – except only those few occasions when I really didn’t know what else to do.  Justin and I joked about wanting no Jesus talk at our wedding.  We’re not Jesus-y people.  I got annoyed when people quoted Bible verses.  I am not a Bible person.  I did not believe in most aspects of the Catholicism I grew up with.  I believed in equal rights and treating people well and karma.  I wanted to teach my children these things, by the way they were raised.

And then Lydie’s heart stopped beating. 

And now I’m even more lost.  Hundreds of people have told me they are praying for me.  I wonder what they could possibly be praying for.  A time machine?

I know they’d tell me that they pray we find strength, comfort, peace.  
And I appreciate that. 
I hope we can find those things too.

But I’d rather turn back time.

I know sometimes grief makes people turn towards God.  And I know sometimes grief makes people turn away.

And as someone who was sitting on the fence for so long, I don’t know which way to turn right now.  

I know that I am finding a lot of comfort in Ben Harper’s song “I shall not walk alone.”

I wake up in the middle of the night and I think about Lydie and hug her blanket and this song echoes in my head. 

I’m not sure I even believe in karma anymore.  Have we ever done anything to deserve this?  I think that shit just happens, that I can’t control anything in this world no matter how much my control-freak, perfectionist self wants to. I think sometimes perfectly healthy babies die.  I think we got screwed.  My Lydie Girl got screwed. 

I’ve never known what to believe about heaven either.   If often seems like something humans made up to make themselves feel better.   It seems like a really nice idea.   How could we possibly know what happens to people when they leave us?  But right now, I have to believe that I will be reunited with my daughter.  That our family will be complete again.  That we’ll see our little girl again. I have to believe that she hears me as I talk to her.

My mom said that as she was driving here yesterday, the sun peeked through the clouds and she thought of Lydie.  A couple weeks ago, I might have scoffed at that.  And now I think I have to find little signs of my girl in this universe. 


  1. I feel like we're the same person, I swear. I know I sent you the one book, but if you can, check out Tiny Beautiful Things by Cheryl Strayed too. It's a collection of advice columns that were published when she wrote for Dear Sugar. Her advice is...perfect. And there's two that I feel like you should read right now:

    How You Get Unstuck

    The Human Scale

    Being a non-religious person in this situation is just...the hardest. I never knew what to do with all the prayers. I still don't. I get them a lot, apparently. But all the praying in the world didn't stop Luke from being stillborn, so I still struggle.

    But I look for light too--I take it as signs from Luke too--almost everywhere I go. And it IS a comfort. I don't know where he is, and I won't pretend to, but that connection...I can feel that. So it has to be real.

    1. Oh my gosh, Jen, I read Tiny Beautiful Things when I was pregnant! Whole new meaning now...
      I like the thought that our babies connect to us through the light.

    2. It's one of my absolute favorites, and I swear, there are some days when I reread those two pieces, and I crumble. Because she's so right. We now live on Planet-My-Baby-Died. And now we have to endure this. HOW we choose to do that is totally up to us ♥

  2. Also...that Ben Harper song? ♥♥♥♥

  3. I've been listening to "The Scientist" (Coldplay) on repeat.


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