Justin is back at work today.
It's hard for him. It's hard for all of us.
I'm staying home for a while. Technically, because I gave birth, I'm entitled to a six-week medical leave. So I'm taking it.
At first I thought I'd want to go back sooner, for the distraction. Now I think there's no way I could handle it any time soon. I work with students all day, as one Denison professor put it "helping them solve all their problems." I don't think I can handle other people's problems anytime soon, especially when they seem so petty right now. I can barely function myself right now.
But it's going to be tough to go back in January as well. I was supposed to spend January home with both my babies. I had planned a long maternity leave, over six months home. Paid time off too. I feel gypped about that. I feel gypped about that time with both my babies, Ben and Lydie. Now not only do I not get that time with Lydie, but I don't get that time with Ben either. Now, I have to keep Ben in daycare, and I have to keep paying for his daycare, instead of all the adventures I thought we'd be going on in during that six months.
I know in the grand scheme of things, I should try not to worry about this. The seven grand I'm going to spend on daycare instead of saving because I'm home with Ben. The adventures I had planned for the three of us. I know losing my baby is much worse than losing my maternity leave. But it's just like all the shit that compounds. All the things that are lost because we lost Lydie.
As if losing my daughter wasn't hard enough.