Thursday, November 20, 2014

What else I lose.

Justin is back at work today.
It's hard for him.  It's hard for all of us.

I'm staying home for a while.  Technically, because I gave birth, I'm entitled to a six-week medical leave.  So I'm taking it.

At first I thought I'd want to go back sooner, for the distraction.  Now I think there's no way I could handle it any time soon.  I work with students all day, as one Denison professor put it "helping them solve all their problems."  I don't think I can handle other people's problems anytime soon, especially when they seem so petty right now.  I can barely function myself right now.

But it's going to be tough to go back in January as well.  I was supposed to spend January home with both my babies.  I had planned a long maternity leave, over six months home.  Paid time off too.  I feel gypped about that.  I feel gypped about that time with both my babies, Ben and Lydie.  Now not only do I not get that time with Lydie, but I don't get that time with Ben either.  Now, I have to keep Ben in daycare, and I have to keep paying for his daycare, instead of all the adventures I thought we'd be going on in during that six months. 

I know in the grand scheme of things, I should try not to worry about this.  The seven grand I'm going to spend on daycare instead of saving because I'm home with Ben.  The adventures I had planned for the three of us.  I know losing my baby is much worse than losing my maternity leave.  But it's just like all the shit that compounds.  All the things that are lost because we lost Lydie.

As if losing my daughter wasn't hard enough.

1 comment:

  1. Heather-I know I sent you something private as well, but I keep going over everything you have been through in the last couple of weeks and this just seem to be the worst way to put salt into your wounds.
    This just makes me so angry that I can't think straight. The maternity leave in the US overall is pitiful, but for you to loose that because Lydie died is so fucked up. I can't even comprehend the logic in it. It may be too raw and overwhelming for you to see it now, but reading your posts and knowing you, I feel your experience is going to open many eyes to what is wrong with healthcare, FMLA, and resources lacking for those that loose babies.
    Lydie will continue to be loved and missed and I feel her life & death will serve a great purpose in making future changes.
    I admire your strength, openness, and raw honesty as you grieve your Lydie. We are all grieving for and with you, Justin, and Ben.
    I love you so much and you a constantly in my thoughts.


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