That really sucks. I'm sorry.
I actually had a panic attack in the middle of the night when mine came in. Made the RN wake up my doctor at 3 AM. As if he could do something about it. This was the most cruel moment in all the horror of losing her. I'd wanted to breastfeed my child for as long as I could remember. I spent years mourning that in addition to other things during infertility. Then we had a miracle. I wondered if my flaky body would produce enough when the time came. Then she was taken. And my f-ing milk came in…full, hard, painful, utterly horrible. Even now, 5 years later the brutality of it makes me sob and feel shocked anew that this happened to us. That we continued to live - because let me tell you. I didn't want to. For weeks and weeks. At the time of this comment this piece is a few weeks behind you. But no less hard. I'm so very sorry you're forced to suffer this pain. There's nothing like it in all the world. It will get easier, almost despite you. Time doesn't heal, but it makes things 'find their space', somehow.The leader of our loss group once said something that I didn't believe at the time because I couldn't imagine it, but have found to be true. In the early weeks/months (year, for some), the loss of your child takes up all the space in your life, in your soul, in your psyche. Over time, other things - new activities or friends, old ones, etc will start taking up a tiny bit of space again. Until there becomes a new normal. And you find you're functioning again. (I resented that for a long time. Didn't really want to function thankyouverymuch.) Anyway. I could go on, but I know all there is now is pain, so someone 5 years out may not be saying the right things. Just know I've been thinking about you nonstop.
Julie, that makes sense. Some moments I agree that I don't want to function again. Other moments, I want to be a bit further from this grief so life seems more manageable. Right now, I can't think of much else besides lydia- which honestly, makes me quite nervous about returning to work soon. I so appreciate you reading and commenting though. This community of women is so helpful.