Monday, November 17, 2014

Starting with my sister.

My sister and many of my close girlfriends have offered to come visit.  And for the most part, I've pushed them away.  It's really hard to be around other people right now.

My sister wanted to come this weekend, bring her family.  And I just thought we couldn't handle the chaos.  And I thought we can't be around people right now.  But then I thought about how she was there for our Day with Lydie.  She was there when I delivered her.  She held her, she cried with us.  She is my sister, Lydie's aunt, my closest friend, and I've gotta start somewhere.  And I figured if I'm having trouble making eye-contact, my sister is a good place to start.  So she left her husband, daughter, and big dog at home, and brought just her son AJ who is best buddies with Benji.  I felt bad about Lanie - we had big plans for Lanie and Lydie to be sister-cousins.  But our boys are brother-cousins and best buddies.  And I wanted my boy to have a fun day.  A normal day.  I didn't want my boy to have another day of sitting around the house with his parents crying.

I'm someone who always keeps busy, is always moving, running, cleaning, making plans.  I don't understand how people just sit.  But I have found myself making a cup of tea - the warmth from the tea makes me feel less cold and empty - and sitting at the kitchen table, staring out the window.   Thinking about my girl.  Wondering where we went wrong.

I could tell my sister that she was talking too loud.  I could tell my sister that the beeping from her text messages was annoying the crap out of me.  Couldn't she just let me enjoy the quiet while the boys were napping?  When she offered to take the compost out, I could tell her, will you please just sit down?  Sit down and stare out the window with me.  That's what I need right now.  I don't give a shit about the compost.

My brother stopped by and brought me a bottle of wine.  You know things are shitty when your brother, with no prompting and for no reason at all (except that things are shitty), brings you a bottle of wine.

And we left the house!  We left the house!  We took our boys to Wild Lights at the zoo.  It helped that it was dark.  And I loved seeing my boy bah at the goats and go "oh, oh, oh! AJ, oh!" when he first saw the elephants.  We took a train ride, and right before we climbed in, it started snowing these big, beautiful flakes.  I wondered if Lydie was behind that.  Which was a nice thought until my pants got soaked.

Visible family of 3 huddled together for a snowy train ride,  missing Lydie.

But it was exhausting too.  Babies everywhere, children everywhere.  I couldn't help thinking that any one of them could have been the 1 in 200 instead of Lydie.  And then I felt cruel, nasty, jealous.   I physically ached for her.  I held my husband's hand.  We pushed around the double Bob we bought for Ben and Lydie.  We watched a light show with Christmas music and I felt like I was tripping, like this couldn't possibly be my life. 

And this morning, Benjamin woke us up far too early, which makes the day so much longer and harder.  And it's still snowing - so much snow - and I didn't want to get out of bed.  I just want to curl up and think about my daughter.  Or even better, wake up in an alternate reality with a happy ending.  I am exhausted from yesterday, from the past 12 days.  And I just want to curl up today and watch the snow.

Except that we have another appointment with our counselor soon and she'd probably appreciate it if I brushed my teeth.


  1. I love those big beautiful flakes. Lydie was definitely present, in the dark and the lights. Maybe even the spine-tingling howling of the Mexican wolves.
    I was honored to be your first visit, even if I talk too loud and have trouble sitting still. I love you.

  2. Let me know when you're ready for another visitor. It'd be nice to sit quietly...and you can yell at me too. Hope your next counselor visit goes well. Lots of love...

  3. soooo glad you got out the house... big hurdle...many more to come but one at a time


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