Tuesday, November 18, 2014

The calendar

I usually love Google Cal. 

I have all my work stuff on there.  And all our home stuff.  And I access it and update it right on my Iphone.  And it's so convenient.  I know what each day looks like, each week.  I'm a planner and it helps me plan.

Another thing I'm terrified of now is that goddamn calendar.

If I were to look right now, I obviously should be at work.  Meeting with students.  With my 36 week check up tomorrow, and then starting weekly appointments with my obgyn from there.  Weekly, I have been thinking, I can't believe we're there already!  I have a dentist appointment next week where I had to remind them of no x-rays, and a hair appointment on Wednesday before Thanksgiving.  I wanted to get my hair cut and highlighted, take care of myself a little before our baby girl arrived.  Look nice for those hospital photos.  My family would all be coming in to our house for Thanksgiving, since it was too close to my due date to travel.

Not to mention the c-section scheduled for December 12th.  On my calendar. 

And my maternity leave starting, and plans to be home with both of my babies.

And no plans in January, since of course, we'd be sleep-deprived and home with our baby girl.

I'm a planner and my life has been shot to shit.

So now, I'm afraid to see those things.  Afraid to delete them.  Do I go to the dentist as scheduled, and just let them know, "hey, actually, you can do x-rays because my baby girl just died.  See how I no longer look pregnant?"  Or do I reschedule because I can't deal with it?  Do I still get my hair done?  Now I want to dye it brown or red.  Never in my life have I wanted brown or red hair.  But I want to look different.  I am different now.

I have no idea what the date is.  I don't want to know.  It just makes me do math, count the days without her, count the days before she was supposed to be here.  So how do I remind myself that my health insurance paperwork is due next Wednesday when I can't even look at my calendar?  How the hell do people still expect me to meet deadlines right now?

1 comment:

  1. I feared and feared and FEARED those things. I nearly switched dentists because I wanted to be someone that nobody recognized.


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