It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I got by one more hurdle.
They brought me in through a side door. I always saw my doctor in one of two rooms, and I'm grateful I was in the other one - not the one I was in when we couldn't find Lydie's heartbeat (that moment plays and replays again and again in my head). I waited there with my mom and Justin.
I sobbed when I heard a baby cry. Some mother was with her baby at their post-delivery check up. How lucky are they?
My doctor was pretty definitive that it was, in fact, a cord accident. She said, most likely, Lydie's cord was constricted a bit since conception. And that she may have somersaulted one too many times in the same direction, she may have moved so much that the cord couldn't untwist this time, and that it was quick. It happened quick. (I couldn't help thinking about one appointment, months ago when I told the doctor, "She moves so much!" And she replied, "I have never seen a problem because of too much movement." Would she still say that?)
She said it was an accident, just like a car accident.
She said there is no way to detect there is a problem before. That I had had a completely healthy pregnancy.
She told me it wasn't my fault, that even if I had noticed the lack of movement, there wasn't anything that could have been done.
I mentioned that no one ever had told me this could be a possibility. She said it was so rare, so unforeseen, they can't get every pregnant women upset thinking about the possibility of this when it is so unlikely.
She said that it doesn't matter if Ben climbed on me or if I fell or if I woke up on my back. She said it was unpreventable.
She asked if I wanted to go on anti-depressants. I told her I think I have to go through this process. I don't think it's fair to my daughter to take the edge off. I think I'm grieving so much because I loved her so much.
She said if we ever want to try again, I can see a high risk specialist before we even begin trying but there's nothing that would indicate this would ever happen again. She said it's extremely, extremely unlikely that this would happen again. I told her it's extremely, extremely unlikely that this would happen in the first place.
She hugged me. I cried.