I knew right away that I would need counseling. I even asked about it while in labor on Wednesday night. I think the nurses were surprised I was thinking that far ahead, but I know I need someone who can help me figure out what to do with all this pain. I have zero shame in stating that.
So why's it so hard to find someone to talk to?
We got home from the hospital on Thursday night, and on Friday, my mom talked to my doctor's office about getting a referral to a psychiatrist. It wasn't until later on Friday afternoon I was given a name and number, only to be told they don't take my insurance. Do you know how expensive counseling is without insurance? Like $225 a session. Do you know how many sessions Justin and I will need? Neither do I, but I'm thinking counseling is going to become a part of the new normal. And I don't need the stress of how we are going to pay for it on top of that.
I was given another number to call, which went right to voicemail. I felt the dread that is Friday late afternoon. Everyone else was headed to happy hour or home to their babies and not going to return our call on a Saturday or Sunday. Two or three more days before I could talk to someone. I called the bereaved parents line at the hospital. Voicemail. I called the bereaved parents line at another hospital. Voicemail.
Do you know how hard it is to leave a voicemail explaining that your baby died and you'd like to talk to someone?
There's a support group for parents who have suffered the loss of an infant. They meet the first Tuesday of every month. I found out that my baby had no heartbeat on the first Wednesday of the month. Do you know how far away the first Tuesday of December feels like? I don't know how to get through each day, much less how to make it to the first Tuesday of December.
I felt some relief that it was Monday today. Offices would be back open. I could get something scheduled, somewhere.
Do you know how many therapists don't accept any insurance? Do they really expect us to pay $225 a session?
I finally spoke with someone, who also wouldn't take my insurance, but who gave me some good advice. She said we need a specialist, who has dealt with this kind of grief. She said that most offices would say they can take me but may have never had this experience. She said the psychologists may not be mothers. And she thought I needed to talk to someone who is a mother. She said I am at an increased risk for post-partum depression on top of all my other depression. I found that kind of funny - who cares if I have post-partum depression? Could it possibly feel any worse than it does right now? She finally gave me a name of an office that accepts my insurance and has experience in this area. She said we may have to drive a bit. I don't care.
They can't get us in until next Monday. Do you know how far away next Monday feels, when I am not sure how I am going to make it through today?