Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Apparently, the Doctor, Part III

I bit the bullet and just called my doctor's office.
I have more questions - about Ben's umbilical cord and the "inconclusive" testing results.  And many, many questions about Lydie.
My mom and Justin have been encouraging me to call, ask my questions.

You know how usually you have to leave a message and a doctor's office takes forever to call you back?
It seems a stillborn daughter gets you right to the front of the line.

I still had to wait on hold for the nurse.  I listened to the "our goal is to ensure a healthy pregnancy resulting in a healthy birth" on repeat.  Do you know how hard that is to listen to when your baby has died?  It reminded me about how many times my doctor said, she wanted "a healthy mom and a healthy baby."  So I was already in tears by the time the nurse picked up.

She suggested I come in today to talk to my doctor.

She suggested we look through my file together and I ask all of my questions.
I have to keep reminding myself: if this is something we could have predicted, could have seen, then that is on my doctor, not me.


  1. It's totally true that you get to the front of the line when you have a stillborn...I remember being SHOCKED when my doctor personally called me--about 3 times after Luke died--just to check on me. That's another reason I ended up staying with her--I knew she cared...

    ANYWAY. I'm glad you're gonna go back in. Ask all the questions. ALL OF THEM. Ask her about the possibility of it being genetics. About what happened with Ben--was the distress similar?

    And while I can't say for sure, just be prepared to not get any answers. As much as it would be amazing...to know something that could've been done or tested to stop this from happening, it can't bring Lydie back.

    I still find this hard to accept. That nothing can bring Luke back. No amount of testing that I know we could have done will bring him back. I talked to my doc a lot about it...and nothing was conclusive. His cord stopped working for him. It got compressed somehow. But short of having a video of the womb on those two days...we'll never understand how or when it happened...

    You did all you could with what you knew at the time, Heather. The only part you can change is how you proceed in the future.

    Huge hugs. Let me know how it goes this afternoon.

  2. Good for you for making the call. I hope you get the answers you need and those you can't get...well you will know you tried your best and some things are just out of all of our control.

    I pray this gives you some sense of closure on the why's and what if's.

  3. Lots of hugs. I keep saying this, but I hope the conversation can bring you some peace. You are a wonderful mother.


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