Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Dead Baby Club

Last night, Justin and I had lined up Uncle D to watch Benjamin, thinking we'd try out another support group - one about child loss.

We got a last-minute invite to meet a group of others that we met last week at our infant loss support group.  At first, I didn't think I could meet them at a restaurant, considering I've barely been able to leave the house and change out of yoga pants.  But then I decided that if there was anyone who understood why this is tough for me, it is these people.  So we went.

There were 9 of us, tucked away in a corner at the bar.  We talked about how we met our spouses, where we work, how our children died, how fallopian tubes are tested for blockages.  It's a relief to have our children woven into our conversations naturally.  I showed off photos of Lydia on my phone.   They told me she is beautiful (she is).  We joked about dressing our urns up for Christmas - do they make tiny little Santa hats for them?   We joked about calling ourselves the Dead Baby Club.  It's perverse, I get that, but I haven't laughed that much in approximately 5 weeks. 

10 comments:

  1. I just found your blog and was so, so sorry to hear about the loss of Lydie and to read your story. My heart breaks every time I read about another family that has experienced stillbirth. Just wanted you to know that I'll be following your posts and hope that writing about Lydie and your feelings is helpful - I have found it to be.

    I joined a support group after we lost L. Mine was just ladies but man have they been lifesavers over the past years. We need people in our lives who get it, and you just can't if you haven't experienced it. You can be caring and compassionate, but you don't get it.

    Anyway, thinking of you....

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    1. You're exactly right. No one gets it, no one wants to get it, until the nightmare happens to you.

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  2. Welcome to Planet My-Baby-Died. ♥

    I'm glad you found these people, Heather. I honestly never went to any of the support groups. I tried to at first, but I just never lined up an exact date of when it was happening, so I forgot about it. I'm not sure how much I would have gotten out of it either, because I found myself comparing my story to others too often at first...feeling more sorry for myself than people who had earlier losses, etc. So I just gave up trying to find one to fit into. I found that the blogs I kept up with gave me what I needed.

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    1. I felt that way at first too, Jen. But everyone's got a different story. Lydia was the furthest along (and so, the closest to being here...) but other couples struggle with infertility too. Can't imagine losing "the miracle baby" after years of struggle. Or being on bedrest for WEEKS and still losing your baby... all kinds of horrific shit, essentially.

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    2. Totally horrific shit. Which I think was another reason I recoiled--So as not to have to subject myself to MORE horrific shit than I already knew, ya know?

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  3. Isn't it incredible how easy your child can be woven in with those that get it? How easy you can hear your child's name and then talk about the mundane. I love loss families because the walls do not need to be up, you can just, say it. You can just hear it. And they love your babies like they are your own.

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  4. I'm glad you found them. The dark humor - sometimes it is so so needed.

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  5. It is so amazing when you find baby loss families and all of your babies can just be a part of the conversation. That laughter is so needed!

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  6. You found people. You found people quickly. I'm so glad. Really it is what buoys us. To know we walk beside others and they can hold our hearts.

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  7. There's one here in my town. She's tried finding others, but no luck. We watched "Return to Zero" for our Thursday night movie a few weeks ago (Thursday is our Friday).

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