Thursday, December 4, 2014

Knee-jerk

I'm sure some of you are wondering.  I'm sure some of you are thinking, "Are they going to try again?"
And I've thought about it.  A lot.  But haven't mentioned it here because that seems to take something away from the death of my daughter. 
Still, I'm obsessed with the idea of "rainbow babies."  Didn't know that term a month ago, but it's sweet, isn't it?  The children born after the loss of their siblings.  Rainbows.  Hope.
I'm obsessed with how long other baby-loss couples wait before trying again, looking for some magic timetable to tell me when we might be ready.

I have thought a lot about getting pregnant again.

But I am realizing something.

I don't want to just get pregnant again.

I want to get pregnant with Lydie.

I want a do-over.

I want a redo.

My friend Jen (Jen, maybe I should start calling you my "mentor," that might be more appropriate), who lost her son Luke, appropriately called this a "knee-jerk reaction."  And I'm realizing she's right.  Initially, getting pregnant seemed like the only way to fix my empty arms.  My empty heart.

But it won't fix anything.

No matter how many children we are able to have in the future, our family will always be missing one.

We'll always be missing Lydie.

And I realize that Justin and I need some time to mend our broken hearts before we can even begin to fathom our third child.

And I realize that I need time to grieve before I can think about taking on a high-risk, anxiety-ridden pregnancy.

 And I realize that another baby would be just that - another baby.  Not Lydie, not a replacement for Lydie.  But Lydie's sibling.







2 comments:

  1. You're my friend now, first and foremost ♥

    My therapist always told me to take this one day at a time. Try not to get too far ahead of yourself, thinking about having to get pregnant to have XX amount of children...

    (Which, for the love of God, I've been doing a lot lately too. Thinking about how fucked up it is that I'm going to have to carry A THIRD full-term baby just to have fucking TWO children...I NEVER wanted to have three kids. I was always going to be just fine if we had two. That was my ideal. And now I can either have my two, except really only one, or I can have my two, while actually I have three. Fuck this. That anger STILL sits in me.)

    ANYWAY. What I'm saying is...it's complicated, and we know it. Clarity comes with time, and I can tell you you'll feel it when you feel like you're ready. You won't necessarily be full-on READY for pregnancy again, but you'll feel a sense of...peace (?) about Lydie's place in your family. She will have her place. And a new baby would have its own other place.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Jen, I've thought this so many times too. Two children. Two healthy pregnancies. Done and done right? Oh, except your baby died. Now what?

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