Monday, December 29, 2014

Ouch

Benjamin has been growing up quickly.  To Justin and me, it seemed like he started to grow up remarkably fast right when Lydie died.  I don't know if that's all in our heads, but suddenly it's clear that our boy understands everything (like this morning when I asked him to throw a bottle in the recycle bin, and off he goes).  This, in a way, is extra painful for me.  Suddenly, he's my baby, and I want him to stay my baby just a little bit longer.  I can't help thinking about how if Lydie was here, I would be thrilled that he was acting so grown up.  It would make life that much more manageable.

Ben picks up new words everyday, and sometimes even strings them together.  "Bus!" he pointed out on the way to school this morning.  "Dadda's car!" he says whenever he sees a silver car.  "Up," he said yesterday, raising his car.  "Down!" he cried, bringing it down.

And the newest word, which cuts so deep into my heart, is "baby."

2 comments:

  1. Hi, Brooke passed along your blog... I'm part of the 2011 blogging "group," so my son would have been 4 this past August. When he died, my daughter was 6 weeks away from turning 2 (I'm one of only two in our "group" that had a child prior to loss), so I get this. It's so hard to read your words and remember the sharp pain I felt soon after our loss. I have forgotten (or blocked?) much of that first year--part of that is my brain protecting me, I think, but the sad part is that I don't remember much about my daughter's second year. It kills me that I lost my son AND essentially, that year with her too. I'm glad you are blogging about it for grief purposes of course bc nothing was more helpful in the ongoing healing process, but also bc maybe these posts will help you remember things about your son that grief may try to erase from your memory.

    I will try to catch up on your blog as I can... just know that it does get better--well, different. For me, the pain is always there and still rears it's ugly head in the form of breakdowns, just not as often. And you just somehow learn to live with the pain of grief--it's incorporated into your life in a way that allows you to live a new normal life one day. For so long, I kept thinking things would be fine "after Christmas" or "after his birthday" etc. I think the change happened once I accepted the fact that this was just a part of me now, and I had to adapt and learn to live with it. :/

    I wish there was some specific advice I could give to relieve this pain for you, or better yet, I wish there was something I could do to bring your baby back. As I said, the thing that helped me the most was blogging and grieving out loud. Through blogging, I was able to get my anger out of me and on the computer as well as inform my family and friends of how I was feeling, what I needed and wanted, etc. Plus, I met my BLM BFFs with whom I literally could not have come so far without. We have a daily relationship that provides support when outsiders let us down or the grief becomes too hard to bear alone.

    Sending much love,
    Molly
    (I don't blog anymore, and I had to take my blog private for security reasons, but if you would like to read my posts, send me your email address, and I will send you an access link--molly.ebach@gmail.com)

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    Replies
    1. Molly, I sent you an email also but wanted to thank you for the reminder about the little one I do have at home. It's very difficult to be present for him right now so I could imagine later feeling like I also lost this time with Ben. In fact, before Lydie died I used to record a snippet of what Ben did everyday. And I haven't done that again since. Maybe I should try to start it up again.

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