I started waking up at 4 am on Friday morning, thinking of my parallel life:
4 am - I should be getting up, getting into the shower, getting ready for the hospital.
5 am - I should be on my way to the hospital.
6 am - I should be getting prepped for surgery.
6:30 am - She should be here by now. She should be here by now. She should be here by now.
And since then, I've felt different. I've stopped to wonder why, what does it matter if I was still supposed to be pregnant or she was supposed to be here? It changes nothing. She's gone, one way or the other. But in some ways, it changes everything.