Tuesday, December 23, 2014


Tonight, Ben was screaming at bedtime then quickly got quiet.

"I know that it's irrational, but this is when I worry he stopped breathing," Justin says.

"Oh, it's all right," my mom responds.

I instantly teared up.

"I can never trust anything again," I responded.

And the instant I said it, I knew it was true.


  1. Trust is so impossible after loss. The very concept of trust is infuriating. It is illogical to trust after something so innate as trusting your daughter to be born safe is taken away.

  2. I still wake up and wonder if my kids are still breathing--4 freaking years later. I will watch the monitor for a movement and turn the volume way up to hear them take a breath and can't go back to sleep until I have confirmed they are still alive. It's so F'ed up.


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