"There is a constant undercurrent of loss, a schism in our brains, which we gradually learn to adapt to, but it is ever present. It's as if our brains are operating on two separate tracks. One is the here and now. The second is the parallel track of what could or should have been yet will not be."
- Anna Whitson-Donaldson, Rare Bird
I'm always keeping track of the days:
How long since she's been gone? In one hour, 5 weeks today.
How long until she'd be here? 19 hours. (A scheduled c-section at 6 am December 12th doesn't leave much room for guessing).
I thought maybe once tomorrow is over, my brain would stop doing the math all the time.
But then I realized, the math will just look different.
How long since she's been gone?
How old would she be?
And that won't hurt any less.