It's occurring to me that I'm probably sending mixed messages to my friends. Or maybe it's not that - maybe I'm actually sending the wrong message to my friends.
Most of my friends have been amazing. Take one of my college roommates, who has written me a message every single day since Lydie died. She has not missed a day. She just keeps telling me she's thinking about me and she loves me.
I usually don't respond.
And that's giving the wrong message.
Because I so appreciate her efforts.
I am grateful each and every time one of my friends checks in with me.
But I often find it hard to respond.
I just don't know what to say.
The phone rings and I feel paralyzed. I don't pick up.
I don't know what to say.
She's still dead. And I'm still struggling.
But I appreciate you thinking about us.
And in these friendships, I know I am take, take, taking right now. I know friendships are all about give and take, and I am grateful for the friends who seem to innately understand that I have nothing to give right now. The ones who are sticking with me through this hellhole, even though it is so freaking uncomfortable. The ones who don't talk about God or a bigger plan but just continue to tell me they love me and they're there.
So friends, thank you for continuing to reach out even though I may not respond. It means more to me than you'll ever know.
And by the way, I also really like when people comment on this blog. It's so strange to talk to people and have no idea if they are following our story or not.
(And I just heard that my 12th grade English teacher is reading regularly. She told my mom that I am a really good writer. I'm like, "well, she taught me how to write!" So thanks, Mrs. Fouser).