Friday, January 2, 2015

I am here.

I cried the whole way to work.  And I have a long commute.  But the sky looked like this, and I pictured Lydie up there:

I listened to Ingrid Michaelson's "All I can do is keep breathing..." and reminded myself this is true.  

And in my office, many signs that the world stopped turning: my wall calendar still on November, the desk calendar still on November 4th. 

This didn't help stop the tears.

My folder marked "maternity leave" with all my detailed plans.  The insurance paperwork with "Lydia J " written by the person I was before, to add my girl to my insurance.  My detailed timeline to train tutors and complete it all by December 10th, my last day in the office before my baby girl was to be born.

One sign that the world is, in fact, still spinning?
The moldy leftovers in my mini-fridge.
Don't worry, I'll spare you the photo of that one.


  1. Oh, my god. I've been wondering about you since last night.
    Everything you describe so aptly portrays how surreal life is now. Physical evidence of a life you no longer have - yet are living. I'm actually physically sick to my stomach reading this, increasing with each piece you described in your office.
    How were your co-workers? Human? Acknowledging? Ohhh, I hope so.

    I still cry in the car, by the way. A box of Kleenex just lives there, always.

    Be gentle to yourself today, this weekend.
    Thinking of you.

  2. Oh God. I seriously cannot imagine. I work from home (and did so long before Hayes died) and not sure I would have ever felt ready to go back had I been forced to go to an office. Some people said it helped them. But I don't think I would have been one of those people. I still say I'm not fit for being in public, although that has changed somewhat, depending on the crowd.

  3. I didn't see too many people since it was a quiet day in the office. The people I did see cried with me. I guess that's a good thing. This full week will be hard and I will see a lot more people... that is definitely tough.

  4. Oye. That calendar would've sent me into a tailspin. :/


Blog Design by Franchesca Cox