I used to be a fairly ambitious person. Now, my daily goal is this: Get through the day.
Which sometimes means closing my office door so I don't hear all the happy chatter that absolutely drives me nuts these days. Sometimes that means closing my office door so I can cry. Sometimes that crying takes place in the bathroom and sometimes it takes place while running around the track. (Or, as I covered last week, sometimes it takes place in the middle of the kitchen floor with my son on my lap.) Sometimes it means not crying at all, just feeling unbelievably empty. Sometimes it means pouring myself a glass of wine as soon as I get home.
Soon after I returned to work, I wrote goals for myself. These would be laughable to the old Heather, but this is what I aim for everyday. Sometimes I do it better than other times:
- get out of bed
- hug your son
- make it through work
- go hug your son
- be present for your husband and your son
- try to eat
- cut yourself some slack
Today isn't going so well, even though I hoped it would be a better week. So again, I'm telling myself, get through the day.
One day, I hope I can be ambitious again. Today, I hope to get through the day.