Monday, March 2, 2015

Separating the love from the pain

I remember the moment I first saw Benjamin, how I didn't think it was possible to love another being as much as I loved that boy.  I expected to feel the same way the moment I first saw his little sister.  And of course, I did.  Except that love was completely intertwined with a horrific level of pain.

And since then, I find it extremely challenging to think of how much I love my daughter without thinking of how much my heart hurts.

That's why her photos are so hard to look at right now.  There's my perfect little dead baby.  There's no other situation where someone would frame photos of a loved one once they're dead.  But with a stillbirth, those photos are the only ones we have. 

Yes, they show love.  But the love is intertwined with all that pain.

This weekend, Justin and I framed pages of the book, Wherever You Go, My Love Will Find You, the book we read to Lydie three times, once we had found out her heart had stopped beating, while she was still inside me, then at the hospital while I cradled her, and then again at her memorial.

I want to look at this and focus on the love.
"In the green of the grass... in the smell of the sea... in the clouds floating by... at the top of a tree... in the sound crickets make at the end of the day... 'You are loved, you are loved, you are loved,' they all say."  - Nancy Tillman


  1. Such a beautiful book. Glad you introduced it to me. But wish it was under different circumstances. It's a great tribute to have them hanging in your house for Lydie.

  2. My favorite book. You are loved, you are loved, you are loved...a mantra that helps ground me.

  3. I adore all her books and I love that you read this one to Lydie.


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