And she looks healthy.
(Except due to her position, we couldn't get a good view of her heart so that leaves me a little unsettled.)
When the sonographer asked, "Are you ready to know the gender?" I replied, "Oh my God, it's a girl, isn't it?" I could tell. She said yes. Then I exclaimed, "Holy shit!" and I cried. She passed me the tissues.
It wasn't what I was expecting. I had prepared myself so much for Bowie to be a boy, that I hadn't prepared myself for Bowie being a girl.
It's been a few days, and it's still sinking in.
When I was pregnant with Benjamin, and we found out that he was a boy, Justin made that point that when you find out the gender, either way, there's a bit of a letdown. You have the dreams, the visions, of both a boy and a girl until that point, and you have to let one go. And you get to plan for the other vision.
With Lydie, I didn't feel much of that letdown. I wanted a daughter so very badly. I remember saying, "Well, I'm a bit sad for Ben that it's not a boy, but I'm so excited for me, that it's a girl." One of each. Perfect. Or to quote the random woman in the public bathroom, "Done and done."
This time? This time, I recognize that the only emotion that can be pure for me these days is the sadness. Well that is not true. The anger is pretty pure too. And the jealousy.
But the good emotions? The joy? The excitement?
There's not pure.
They are laced with sorrow, laced with fear.
The moment was bittersweet.
It didn't help that the sonographer said, "I guess God wanted you to have a daughter." Now, I'm not someone who believes that God played a role in Lydie's death. As a priest told a friend of mine, "God's not in the business of taking babies." I wanted to correct her. We do have a daughter, but we hope to have a living one. That started the worry that people may view Bowie even more as a "replacement child." A second girl, within the one year mark of her sister's stillbirth.
My therapist is always reminding me not to worry about what other
people think. And honestly, I haven't worried much about that since I
was a teenager. But I do worry what other people think about my
children. I worry what they think about Lydie.
So, just to be clear, this is our second daughter. And our first daughter will always be deeply loved and missed. Children are not replaceable.
I'm grateful for another opportunity to raise a daughter.
I'm scared this daughter will die too.
I just want this baby, this little girl, to come out screaming.