This past weekend, my sister and her kids came to visit. And my sister helped me find that balance. We went out for ice cream and to feed ducks at our park (and got caught in the pouring rain) and Bowie wasn't very active - and then we rushed home and she took all the kids to the playground while I laid on the couch, drank ice water, and counted kicks.
My sister also took some photos of our family while at the park. A BLM friend said that in her subsequent pregnancy, she was trying to concentrate more on the experiences of the moment, instead of the final result. That resonated with me; I cherish every photo I have of my Lydia belly, even the final one, which was taken at a bar, with my brother's then-girlfriend. If Lydia hadn't died, the photo probably would have been deleted by now.
We used our Lydie Bear, made by Molly Bears. She weighs 3 pounds, 10 ounces just like Lydia. When I let my mind wander, I daydream about taking photos of Benjamin, a real live Bowie, and our Lydie Bear.
So here's a few of my favorites:
The next day, we took the kids apple-picking. Justin captured these sweet moments, and when we flipped through the camera afterwards, they took my breath away. I've written here about how I struggle to find signs of Lydie, how my practicality and cynicism gets in the way. We're not butterfly or angel people, but Justin and I often look for her in the stars. And even for a cynic like me, it's hard to deny Lydie's presence in these photos.
|Somehow, The Dad managed to capture a photo of me with all three of my kids. I am in love with this photo.|
Hopefully less than 3 weeks to go. Somehow, we are hanging in and hanging on.