Thursday, September 24, 2015

A Family of Five in Photos

I have found that at this point in my Bowie pregnancy, part of me wants to stay busy so that time goes by quickly (as quickly as it can when you wonder about every twenty minutes if your baby has died).  The other part of me wants to sit my ass on the couch with my hands on my belly and monitor every single roll, stretch, and kick.  It's tough to balance.

This past weekend, my sister and her kids came to visit.  And my sister helped me find that balance.    We went out for ice cream and to feed ducks at our park (and got caught in the pouring rain) and Bowie wasn't very active - and then we rushed home and she took all the kids to the playground while I laid on the couch, drank ice water, and counted kicks.

My sister also took some photos of our family while at the park.  A BLM friend said that in her subsequent pregnancy, she was trying to concentrate more on the experiences of the moment, instead of the final result.  That resonated with me; I cherish every photo I have of my Lydia belly, even the final one, which was taken at a bar, with my brother's then-girlfriend.  If Lydia hadn't died, the photo probably would have been deleted by now.
You can barely even see my Lydie belly here, but I know this was the last one taken before my world crashed around me.  I know my smile will never be so innocent and pure again.  And also - -Ben is so young here.  It was taken October 31, 2014.  It's been a long fucking year.
I figured, no matter the outcome, I'll always be grateful for any photos of my Bowie belly.

We used our Lydie Bear, made by Molly Bears.  She weighs 3 pounds, 10 ounces just like Lydia.  When I let my mind wander, I daydream about taking photos of Benjamin, a real live Bowie, and our Lydie Bear.

So here's a few of my favorites:


The next day, we took the kids apple-picking.  Justin captured these sweet moments, and when we flipped through the camera afterwards, they took my breath away.  I've written here about how I struggle to find signs of Lydie, how my practicality and cynicism gets in the way.  We're not butterfly or angel people, but Justin and I often look for her in the stars.  And even for a cynic like me, it's hard to deny Lydie's presence in these photos.

Somehow, The Dad managed to capture a photo of me with all three of my kids.  I am in love with this photo.  

Hopefully less than 3 weeks to go.  Somehow, we are hanging in and hanging on.


  1. I love these photos. And is it wrong that I love your outie belly button?
    I'm so glad I helped you find some balance. I am thinking about you so hard these days, and both of your daughters. Hang in there, Bowie. We love you so much. And Lydie, I'm always thinking about you. We love you.

  2. I know the feeling of seeing your last picture with Lydie and knowing that you'll never smile like that again. All goofy and innocent and full of possibilities. My last picture with Eloise is still so hard for me to look at. I don't see the same woman standing in it anymore. Thinking of your sweet family of five, and I can't wait until I get to visit you to meet you all in real life.

  3. That last photo? It gives me goosebumps.

    Hang in there. It's so hard for me to look at the last picture I took with Luke. It's a picture of my cankles that I posted on Facebook September 8. I was so swollen. And so naïve.

  4. I have some ridiculously blurry photos and some insanely unflattering ones of me with my Andrew belly. I refuse to delete a single one. In fact, I used every single photo I had of Andrew in my belly (showing or not) in his one and only photo album.

    I know it's the same for me, but you look like a completely different person in that photo at that bar. In the photos at the park, you look anxious. Because we can't see your face in those final apple orchard ones, I just see beauty and definitely a little Lydie love (coming from a fellow cynic).

    Absolutely breathtaking photos. You're almost there. No matter what you do, take pictures. Bowie is as much your daughter as Lydie and it's really important she is celebrated. Scared shitless, but throw some confetti. ;)


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